I heard someone in a support group introduce themselves by giving their name and saying I struggle with issues of depression.
My name is Larry Drain and I struggle with issues of desperation.
I try not to talk like that because I think it makes me sound whiny and self absorbed. I hope I am neither but nevertheless problems with desperation are real. A friend asked me why expecting some kind of wise insightful comment and I think I disappointed her. “Life sucks. In important basic ways it sucks. It doesn’t mean everything sucks or that the things that suck will always suck but much right now is pain and misery.”
This blog is getting really old. In about 5 posts it will be 4000 posts long. It has changed a lot in the last years as I have changed. Some posts seem to have some lasting value. Some are still read every day even being written years ago. Some have seemed quickly dated. More than one just seems wrong and I am astounded that they were written by me.
There are many readers now and many have become friends, some good friends. I don’t think I am anywhere close to saying things as smart as they can be said. My goal has been to try to say what I thought was important to say and to try and be as honest as I can…. even when it makes others angry.
I have talked a lot about recovery and about hope. I have shared stories about people I have been lucky to meet. I have shared videos and articles I thought important. In recent months I have talked more about advocacy and public action than anything. More and more it has been about justice and addressing the so many ways that so many people have just been denied a fair and equitable chance at life.
Healthcare reform has taken more time and energy most recently because it is more directly related to my daily desperation than anything else. If you have read this blog at all you have heard mine and Linda’s story more than once.
After 34 years of marriage we have been separated for almost a year and a half now. It was the only way to keep the insurance she absolutely needs in order to live. And the honest truth is that I no longer am sure if we will ever live together again. Right now it is close to midnight and Linda is 25 miles away. It feels like a million.
There have been extraordinary consequences for us. Expenses have basically doubled and most of my money goes into gas for the car to continue to see her. Poverty is real and overwhelming. Food is frequently an issue. Rarely do we go anywhere to do anything. Just no money.
Linda’s health has suffered greatly. Seizures have increased and she has hurt herself multiple times. I just haven’t been there. Her blood pressure has become a problem. Neurological issues interfere with daily living in multiple ways. She has destroyed her glasses in a seizure and we have no way to replace them. We have had multiple issues with Tenn Care denying meds and literally putting her life in danger. We live in a constant state of war.
A doctor finally filled out a form saying Linda needed a caregiver. It is dangerous for her to live alone. It is illegal we are told for me to be that caregiver.
All this is my way of saying this blog has become hard for me. I struggle to write. You need perspective and sometimes it is hard to find the space that makes perspective possible.
Things have a way of going full circle and I am sure this will too. The patience of so many has helped me to find the little patience I have.
I know more than ever that life is not about what you have as it is about what has happened. I would like to think I cope well and sometimes I do. Sometimes all I do is survive. Linda and I are both resilient people and we have learned to treasure better days. There are plenty that aren’t but maybe accepting what you cant control makes you more apt to change what you can.
This is probably the 10th version of this post and it will have to do. I look forward to more posts and I look forward to 4000. Thanks to so many for so much.