I know people who hate talk of recovery. Everything is hard for them. It doesnt seem to matter how hard they try or what they try. They hear recovery and wonder why it aint so for them. They hear tales of how good it can be as an indictment of how bad it is for them. The promise of joy seems hollow when your only constant companion is misery and distress.
They try to be what other people expect them to be, but are cautious about ever letting anyone else see them as they are. These folks tell me they are caught. One man said it well. “The medication makes me sick.. It is destroying my body. I am getting fat. I cant think straight. I cant even have sex anymore…. but without it I am on a rollercoaster from hell. My doctor tells me to work on coping skills, but I dont want to cope. If this is life, I want to die.”
I know for me right now it is past tough. Glib promises seem to be a waste of time. I am dealing with massive losses in many areas of life, significant life changing traumas that are not close to being played out and right now acceptance and persistence are the closest things to victory I can muster. Sometimes I dont muster much of them. After 3 years plus of battle and finally just fighting to keep fighting I feel a sorrow past anything I ever thought possible.
Somethings are simply what they are. The good and the bad. All is not a measurement of us. Sometimes it is just life. And maybe that it is the most important thing to know.
As a culture I think we are sometimes almost phobic about bad times. Everything has to be fixed. Everywhere there are 3-step plans and 5-step plans. There are innumerable companies and ventures whose only product is a fixed life. So much of life is not just people telling us how to feel better but telling us it is a catastrophe and personal failing if we don’t.
Life is meant to be enjoyed and cherished. There is nothing wrong with striving to make it so. There is nothing wrong with trying to build a better life. I try every single day. But it doesn’t mean the day will be as I intend it. It is no less life and no less important if it is hard. And we are no less people if we struggle. I have meant so many people who biggest task is to get from the beginning of the day to the end of the day and then deciding to get up and do it again. I have come to believe that the value of struggle is not just in how well it works out although it would be foolish to say that never matters. Obviously it does. But in the end I think struggle matters because I matter, because you matter, because we all matter. Sometimes, in quiet lonely moments, it may be the only affirmation. I don’t know if that makes sense but if you have been there you know.
I had a friend once who told that life was “nothing but beans and hard times.” Today I hope for a larger menu but the only way to get to where you want to be is from where you are at.
I am 2 days better than I was 2 days ago. I want to thank so many people who have reached out and tried to be kind to both Linda and I. You have mattered and you have made a difference. Thank you.
If recovery seems far away know that it is not something to be found and added to life. It is simply life lived as well as you can.
God bless you.